Watermelon

Watermelon
April 26 2007

I tossed the watermelon in the air like some sort of... wild alien space-craft thingie. It spun once, then sailed back down to earth, defeated by its own mass and the force of gravy-tee!

I ran and ducked for cover as the green bomb-thingie flew towards the ground. Even with my hands over my freakishly large head I still heard the 'splut' as the missile struck, splattering into little bits of mushy goo. Pieces of peel flew over my head as seeds and red innards exploded in a smorgasbord of color on the ground!

Jason looked at me with a look that clearly read 'Justin, you are so dumb.'

"Justin, you are so dumb," he said. "Why did you even do that?"

WHY?! Why not? Watermelon explody is the best superpower you can have besides turning things to CHEESE WITH YOUR MIND! I shrugged and waved my arms in a confusing pattern. Hopefully it would distract him while I ran.

To my utter dismay and eternal sorrow, it began to rain. There would be no running! Rain rain rain, turning smushed watermelon ichor to pasty red stringy-stuff. Then, as the acid pollution mixed with the disgusting fruit-brain-matter, something began to occur deep within the squishy chemical composition of the fruit-creature. The vine-baby thing began to grow, and grow, to the size of a giant-fruit-sized-thing!

Jason screamed and ran but the fruit creature was too powerful! A long red tentacle reached out and wrapped him up. A maw the size of a SARLACC PIT opened up and devoured him whole, leaving only his wallet and car keys. I could see that the only way to escape was to steal all of Jason's money and drive away in his car! But my plan was FOILED! Foiled, I tell you!

The giant green-shelled, red-mushy-insides, seedy-eyed monster got to its numerous filthy feet and began to make its ffffilthy way to me, leaving FILTHY footprints in its filllltthy wake! It growled, spraying me with large filthy chunks of tasty watermelon!

Suddenly, the words of my great-great grandfather's dog came to me. "Woof rawrf bark bark."

Of course! The only way to defeat a mutant, giant, snaggle-toothed, freakishly-large-headed slimy watermelon creature was to SPANK IT TO DEATH! With my undoubtedly powerful palms of fury I began to flail wildly at the creature, wearing it down with my very manly slaps.

The monster screamed and struck back with large random appendages! It was like being in the middle of a Decemberists concert. I held on for my very valuable life as the watermelon swung beneath me, trying to knock me into its stinky mouth.

(I g2g, so... uhhh)

Giving it one last shot, I transformed into a power ranger and defeated the creepy thing. The end.